Monday, November 30, 2009

i think people who open
their lives to public scrutiny
are madly brave.
unimaginable things could happen
somewhere down the timeperiod and
then all that
openness might just blow out of
proportions.
even explanations to the inner circle
will always be subjected,
again, to doubt, disapproval and
further need to justify i.e escalating
into unhealthy feelings for person to person
relationships.
i think the more conservative
policy is to keep it in,
privately implode and talk about it
maybe 30 years later to a random shrink.
people have become more explicit
these days in the asking of questions
and i guess to be socially-appropriate
i will have to devise some sort of socially
appropriate answer that isn't too far off
from reality.

6:08 PM

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

재범 COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!

4:01 PM

Saturday, November 21, 2009

oooo i finally got down to
watch ONCE. its a musical film
so the OST is awesomeeee
and i really really love his
irish accent hahaha.
oh music and the heartbreak of it all.

and zomg need to find somewhere
legal/illegal to watch this: 音樂人生KJ
its film documenting the growing up
years of a HK music child prodigy.
looks sad, dark. sad kid.
feels familiar huh.

6:02 PM

i have no faith.
i don't have the slightest faith
in anything at all.
i mean, ive always known myself to be
a cynic, but i think it was never clear
to me that i didn't have faith.
it was illustrated to me only very recently
when i started driving and
i'd always be overly concerned about
knocking birds over because they always
seem to let the car go so close
before they'd fly away.

but of course
that really is very silly;
Mynas are after all a product of
centuries of Evolution
and i should
know better than to doubt their
natural instinct to dodge oncoming vehicles.

but i do.
i doubt most things;
i doubt religion, i doubt love,
i doubt friends, i doubt project mates,
i doubt CareerFit, i doubt life,
i doubt the music i play, i doubt every
next person i'm subjected to a
conversational situation with,
i doubt wagg the dog (im always convinced
that he's dying soon, since he pukes
at a frightening frequency),
i doubt my laptop (ok this one is not without basis),
i doubt my career prospects,
and for fuck's sakes i even doubt
the bird on the street.

i think it just goes like that.
im just so consumed in my own
lack of faith that my relationships
with people always become somewhat
dysfunctional.

when i was younger, i just found People
so difficult that i became quite
bent on being a pianist or a farmer
or vet or anything thing with minimal
human interaction.
well of course i had no faith in all
these not-very-mainstream dreams as well
and i so i went on to study Business, THM-no less-
the one area with the highest degree of human interaction
you can possibly imagine.

i always say that im a cynic,
but i really kinda always personally
believed i was more of a realist and
that the society's benchmark for cynicism
is just too low,
but i now im not so sure.

4:28 PM

Thursday, November 19, 2009

today was rough.
i hope that i can fall
asleep soon so today would end.
we could go back and forth like
that forever and then?
don't do it like its some obligatory
daily quota-compliance shiz in your dammit
template texts, really don't bother.

10:34 PM

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

party for masta
saengil chukha haeyoooo <3

11:40 PM

ok as a result of evtoe-ness
i've taken to reading strangers' blogs.
maybe pain is all the same?
dark and heavy writing is
cathartic like emo music.
in reality, nobody gets to dunk
their emotional baggages onto one
another like that.
in some morbid way
its good to know you're not the only
one incapable of being
a fully-functioning member
of the 20-something female population.
sometimes i suspect that education
killed us of all of our
emotional instincts so much so
that our judgements base too much
on the cold, hard logical reasonings
that life was never meant to be.
the truth is,
its supposed to be spontaneous,
in the spur of the moment;
it never gives allowances for rationalising.
funny how
we'd better off figuring out strangers'
lives/imagining some sort of non-existent
emotional connection,
than ever fully coming to terms
with this with the real people in our real lives.

5:22 PM

Monday, November 16, 2009

You said it (first)!

Do you want to be my sidedish friend
'Cause I'll miss you if you go for good yeah
We can stay together 'til the very end of time
If it's understood that
I don't want you hanging out with me
But I want you when I call
And we can stay together separately
and we won't be lonely at all

7:16 AM

Saturday, November 14, 2009

“ Twenty years from now
you will be more disappointed
by the things that you didn’t do
than by the things that you did do.
So throw off the bow lines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.”

must be your free-spirit, resilience
and your dreams;
can't wait can't wait can't wait :)

2:15 PM

YAYYYYYYY COMINGGGG TO SPOREEEEEEEE!!!!

12:44 PM

Friday, November 13, 2009

hahaaaa sometimes im just so
juvenile and lamexzxzx
all it took to be ok was just that
oooo im lamexzxzxz
anw in an indication of
destined-to-be-tog-ness
KHJ and i :

7:48 AM

Thursday, November 12, 2009

everytime i make a transition
in support system
there would be an unreserved tendency
to pour everything into it;
i wish i had a better contigency plan,
so at least i can believe that it'll work.
so many things crumble,
i don't see why this wouldn't.

1:01 AM

Sunday, November 08, 2009

there is no level playing field,
there is never.

5:15 PM

Saturday, November 07, 2009

그립고
그립고
그립다

9:37 AM

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

in life,
only 3 things give you the upperhand:
good solid Power, an obscene lot of Money
or drop dead killer Looks.
everything else like Kindness, Ethics etc
almost never manage to work as well.
ive never wanted to fully believe this but
school and society always reinforces it.
all that about inner blah are perhaps
nothing more than consolations handed out by
fellow helpless, poor and ugly people.

the truth is brutal like that;
but the way it works is that the
adult tries to buffer it down for the kid,
kid believes it, kid finds out it isn't true,
kid screws up, kid is resigned,
kids becomes adult, kid perpetuates the very
mainstream social ideas that screwed kid up.

this is never an issue of justice/injustice.
justice/injustice can never be an issue.
it is a state, a condition, a status quo.
you can challenge it but you will never
really shake it up.
whatever circumstances we find ourselves in,
someone will always be in a better place,
and someone else will always be worse off.

sometimes its funny how rich kids
tell me about how this and this is frivolous
and meaningless and blah when
you and i are frivolous as can be, and
who really cares about meaning or whatever that means.
you can dwell on "meaning" deep into the night at 2.34am
when you are not subjected to societal expectations
in a social setting, but
seriously, how often can you carry forward
these Deep Thoughts into the next morning?

as we grow older
we meet people from all kinds of backgrounds
and then as bizarre as their lives may seem
to us, somehow or rather, maybe you
become friends, and then you get
sucked into this crazy need to keep up.

i hate to harp on this again but i really
have to point out that life is like the
darned journey from NTU back home.
you could be richer and have a car home,
rich enough to take the 179 bus
or not so rich that you have/want to take
the free shuttle bus out.
people in the cars will never see or know
the refugee-like dog-eat-dog queue-cutting
conditions that shuttle bus people find
themselves in everyday.
shuttle bus people will never know
the secret hidden suffering ( not that i know what)
that car people might argue they have.

we'll never know, but this is
the world, and this is it.

7:15 PM

oh since it turned out
kinda cool:
http://momentsunveiled.blogspot.com/

3:47 PM

Sunday, November 01, 2009

somedays i mistake my naivety
for something else.
its days like these
that i manage to
believe that the stars aligned nicely
and that maybe all these happened for me.
then, amidst my prolonged High,
im doing abysmally at being a fully functional
person to anyone.
i am afraid off both leaning on and
being leaned on.
as we grow older, it all becomes more
apparent.
friends track each others' lives and share
whatever is it that they need to share.
i count excessively on accidental information
spillages and minding my own darned business.
my default worstcase scenario mode
will conjure all types of future implications
of excessive information exchange.
the truth is that im braver in theory
than in practical.
i can write and say all kinds of faraway,
ambiguous Should Dos,
but in the end,
all i am is afraid.
the only comfort i ever take is in distances.

9:50 PM